


A Candidate For My Affections

by HigharollaKockamamie



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-11 16:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10468755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HigharollaKockamamie/pseuds/HigharollaKockamamie
Summary: It's been a few hundred years since Ardyn picked up any new dating techniques.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For a kink meme prompt about Ardyn wooing someone with all the tact and elegance you can get from living through a couple thousand years of traditions.

"Hey," Noctis said, "who left a pile of junk on the driver's seat?" 

Ignis peered over his shoulder. "That isn't a pile. It appears to be a wreath." 

"Okay, who left a _wreath_ of junk on the driver's seat?" 

Prompto looked around the stretch of road. There was nothing but them, scrub, and sky. "Nobody's been around except us and that Ardyn guy."

"That would explain it, then," said Ignis. He picked the small collection up to discard. "Our man of no consequence has an odd sense of humor." 

"Nah, that's not a joke," Gladio said. He had a good view from towering above them. "That's a message." 

"I don't see anything written on the branch," Noctis said dubiously.

"It's spruce," Gladio said. "Evergreen, get it?" 

"I get it!" Prompto said. 

"No you don't," said Noctis. 

Gladio said, "It means patience, and that he'll be around a long time. Figures he wouldn't go for pine. People always got crap for that one, since the pun's so obvious." 

"What sorts of people would we be talking about?" said Ignis, turning the assemblage slowly in his hands. 

"Fancy noble types a few hundred years ago, mostly. It was a big fad for a while, since you can say all kinds of things. See there?" He pointed at a piece woven in with fine wire. "The sabertusk claw means he admires your practicality." 

"Wait," Prompto said, "how do we even know it's for Iggy? Noct drives too." 

"And that piece of mythril means respect for hard work and tenacity." 

"So it's not for Noct," said Prompto.

"Hey!" 

"Now the real interesting part," Gladio said, ignoring them, "is the chocobo feather. Purple's for opening courtship. That's why it's such a big deal in _Decency and Decorum_ when Lady Fera uses purple ink to write a letter to Count Telum even though she's already promised to Duke Muneris."

Noctis said, "Nobody reads your old lady books, Gladio." 

"It appears that Ardyn does," Ignis said distantly. 

"Good for him." Gladio crossed his arms. "It's a classic." 

“Aw,” Prompto said, “Iggy has a weird boyfriend!” 

“A weird suitor,” Gladio corrected. 

“Where'd he ever get the time to put all that together?” Noctis said. “He wasn't even around that long.” 

“Love finds a way!” said Prompto. 

“Speaking of time,” said Ignis, “none of us has enough to spare to get involved in that sort of foolishness.” 

“You could make a reply for if he shows up again,” Gladio suggested. “Let him down easy.”

“Better to let it be,” Ignis said. “I'll hold onto this for the time being. It's an interesting piece of history.” 

“Just as well,” Gladio said. “I wouldn't even know where to look around here for blank parchment, some hyacinths, and a cat.”  


* * *

As it turned out, the next time they crossed paths they were all too busy to give it a second thought. It wasn't until they were back on the ground that Ignis noticed something in his jacket pocket. He reached in and pulled out a piece of fragrant herb.

“Calamus?” he wondered aloud.

“Well now,” said Gladio, “that's just filthy.”


	2. Chapter 2

The safehouse and its promise of a hot shower was right there in sight when Prompto yelled, “Above us!” Noctis's “Thanks” was distinctly sarcastic.

“Can't we go anywhere without stuff falling out of the sky?” Noctis said.

“They've found our retreat,” said Ignis as his daggers flashed into his hands. “As soon as we take care of them, next on the agenda is to relocate.” 

This time, for once, nothing fell. Instead the airship landed. When the hatch opened, only two MTs came out. Their shape looked incomplete without weapons in their hands. 

They lead a trio of goats to Noctis, bowed, and left. 

The hatch closed and the airship lifted into the sky. The goats gave the surroundings placid scrutiny. 

Over the noises Prompto was making, Noctis said, “Well that was weird.”

“Look at his little horns!”

“Hm.” The weapons vanished from Ignis's hands, though he remained cautious. He knelt down by the larger of the goats, which was taking the opportunity of being on solid ground to sniff the grass. “This one appears to come bearing a missive.” 

Noctis leaned over for a look. “Ignis Scientia,” he read from the loops of calligraphy. “If it's for you, how come they gave them to me?” 

“You will observe the smaller words above,” Ignis said, resettling his glasses with one hand and preventing the goat from helping with the other, “'To The Liege Lord Of.'” 

“Look at his fuzzy little ears!” 

“Oh,” Noctis said. Then: “What?” 

“The circumstances,” Ignis said as he rose to his feet, “would suggest the Chancellor's hand at work.”

“That's got to be his handwriting, at least,” said Gladio. He caught glimpses of the card as the goat turned its head towards the one companion that was having its head scratched by Prompto and the other that was headbutting Gladio's thigh. “That was definitely done with a quill pen.” 

“One with a giant feather,” said Noctis. “You don't make fancy loops like that and _not_ use a giant feather.” 

“Look at his little hoof-toes!” 

“The term is _cloven_ -” Ignis shook his head. “The crux of the matter is, why is the Chancellor sending gifts of livestock?” 

He and Noctis fixed their gazes on Gladio.

Gladio shrugged and ignored the goat trying to eat his pants. “Beats me.” 

Noctis brought his phone out of his pocket. “How would you even...okay, let's try 'why would someone give you goats.'” 

There were a few minutes of quiet scrolling. Gladio managed to get the goat to gnaw on a granola bar wrapper instead. 

“Plastic can't be good for them,” Ignis said. 

“Goat farmers, goat cheese, 'got your goat...'” Noctis murmured. “Here we go. 'Among the steppe tribes in what is now the Cleigne region, as one's herds were one's wealth, a portion of the herd was expected to be given as a bride price to the clan leader of the betrothed.'” 

Ignis looked down into the white goat's eyes. The rectangular pupils revealed nothing. 

There was silence.

“What's going on?” Prompto called. He was on his back in the grass with the little brown goat perched on his chest. 

“Ardyn's trying to buy Specs with goats,” said Noctis.

“Cool,” said Prompto. “Look at his little beard!” 

“Anybody else seeing the problem here?” said Gladio.

“Several,” said Ignis. He extended an open hand. The goat gave his palm a demure sniff.

Gladio picked the black one up and set it on his shoulder. “The second-in-command of an empire should have way more impressive herds than this.” 

“The more pressing concern is – Prompto! Get away from the engagement goat.” 

Prompto was giggling as the animal poked its nose against his vest. “He wants the popcorn in my pocket!” 

“What's the matter?” Gladio said, his face too controlled to be trusted. “Haven't you said you wanted kids someday?” 

“You're all useless,” Ignis sighed. 

Noctis's expression firmed. “Hey. As your liege lord, I know what you should do.”

“And that would be?” Ignis said. 

“I'm with Gladio.” Noctis reached up to pet the goat on Gladio's shoulder. “Hold out for more goats.”


	3. Chapter 3

Prompto was just walking by the shed and wondering why the door was open when an arm shot out and yanked him in.

“Ahh! Evil shed vizier!” 

“Chancellor,” Ardyn corrected, “and 'evil' is a matter of philosophical opinion.” 

Prompto shook the grip off his arm and tried to shove his heart back where it belonged. It was dark and Ardyn was looming, and the shed smelled like sod and old shoes. 

“Same thing,” he said. “Whatever you call the second-in-command guy who does that finger-triangle thing over their face and says stuff like 'I've come to observe the progress of my plans.' What are you doing here?” 

“I've come to...” Ardyn paused and lowered his hands. “I'm just checking on things.”

“Well, stop it! And why are you grabbing _me_?” 

Ardyn brushed off his sleeve.“In the course of the courtship, etiquette permits enlisting the aid of a menial for reconnaissance.” 

“Hey!” said Prompto, who wasn't sure what that was but didn't like it.

“No slight intended,” Ardyn said with soothing gestures. “I'm sure you're an excellent menial.” 

“Okay, you know, I already wasn't going to help you be creepy to my friend, but now I'm going to not help...” - Prompto sought an appropriate word - “...more.” 

Ardyn looked offended. “I wanted only to ask if he liked the gift.” 

That actually wasn't so easy to answer. Ignis kept kneeling down and staring hard at the goats a lot, but Prompto wasn't sure whether that was him trying to tell if they were some kind of MT spy creations or if it was just him figuring out where all of Noctis's vegetables had been going lately. 

“He's trying to figure out your deal,” Prompto said. “Look, when you were just some guy leaving old lady book flower arrangements, that was sweet in a weird kind of way, but now you're one of the guys from the Empire who keeps throwing robots at us and guys like that do _not_ give gifts without strings attached or bombs inside or something.” 

“I see,” Ardyn said. “Naturally you have been duly wary and kept your distance.” 

Prompto straightened his spine and glared at him. “Sure I have.” 

Ardyn said, “There's goat hair caught in your wristband.” 

“No there- I was just looking at the name tags!” Prompto shoved his hand behind his back. He'd only pet them a little bit. “Them” being, according to the tags, Luminarius, Austerus, and Cinnamon. “What are you up to?”

Ardyn leaned against the wall, which would have been a lot smoother and more intimidating if his elbow hadn't banged into a shelf and knocked down a flashlight. “Would you like to know the true extent of my scheme? The heart of my purpose in seeking your companion's attention?”

“Yeah,” Prompto said, eyes narrowed, though now he wasn't sure.

Ardyn spread his hands. “I like him.” 

Prompto's eyes narrowed narrower. “Come on.” 

“I find his elegance and perspicacity charming.” 

“Is that it?” 

“Not to mention his rear in those-”

Prompto waved his hands in front of him. “That's enough!” 

“You did ask. The point is, I am only seeking out this remarkable man for a paramour.” He tilted his head. “Do people still say 'paramour?'”

“They definitely don't.” 

“In any case,” Ardyn said, “the issue at hand is whether or not you are willing to render your advice.”

Prompto sighed and rubbed his hand through his hair. “All right, fine. I'll help. A little. But only because the goats are cute.” 

“Splendid,” said Ardyn, immediately making Prompto regret it. “I must admit, I'm in something of a conundrum. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it makes it difficult to judge one's reception.” 

“Iggy isn't that easy to get a read on up close, either,” Prompto admitted. 

It was always tough to tell what the guy was thinking. Lately he kept pulling up and staring at that stuff Noctis had found about old Cleigne tribes on Warkipedia, which Prompto knew because he'd looked over his shoulder after Ignis had been frowning at his phone for ages and hadn't announced he'd come up with a new anything.

Ardyn tapped his fingers against his lips. “What to do...I'm afraid I have no messenger pigeons at my disposal at the moment.” 

“Have you tried talking to him, like a normal person?” Prompto asked. “Have you tried ever doing _anything_ like a normal person?”

“Without so much as a token of my esteem? I'm not the sort of appalling scoundrel who would go empty-handed.”

“Then give him something,” Prompto said. “Just get out of our shed.” 

“But what?” Ardyn stroked his chin thoughtfully, like that was a thing people actually did. “The traditional gift, of course, would be an obsidian spear wrested from the hand of his enemy.” 

“That'd be you,” Prompto pointed out.

“Not a garula-hide tent-draping, that would be far too forward. But I could hardly approach a man like that without a sahagin-scale cloak, or a cedar sapling, or at the very least a cache of exotic spices.” 

Prompto said, “Huh. Actually.”

* * *

“You know they can see you watching, right?” Noctis said from where he was sitting on the grass. 

It was true that all Ignis and Ardyn would have to do was turn and look back up toward the ridge to see the two figures standing there. Gladio especially wasn't real good at being inconspicuous. 

“That's the point,” said Gladio. “He knows I have six ways to kill him if he tries anything funny.” 

“Is that more or less than you usually have for everybody?” 

“About the same.” 

“They look pretty focused, anyway,” Prompto said. They were small from here, but they were facing each other and Ignis was gesturing the way he did when he was really getting into something. Prompto fought off the urge to grab his camera and use the zoom to scout it out. “You gonna help keep a lookout, Noct?” 

“Nah,” Noctis said. One hand thumbed through his phone while the other absently scratched the goat that was resting his head on his knee. “I'm keeping the goat busy. That's helping.” 

“Hey,” Prompto said, “Iggy's coming back.” 

“Does he have a herd of anything for dinner?” Noctis said. 

“Doesn't look like it,” said Prompto. 

“Oh well,” said Gladio. “We can always eat a goat.” 

“You leave Cinnamon alone!”

* * *

Dinner, it turned out, was chickatrice curry.

“This is really good,” Prompto said. He scooped up a spoonful of rice. “And really orange.” 

“I happened to come across some excellent saffron,” said Ignis. “Now, don't dawdle too long before settling in for the night. We'll be getting an early start tomorrow.” 

“What for?” said Noctis.

Ignis stood from putting a carved box of something among his things and looked out over the grasslands. 

“I intend to seek out some garulas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be the goofiest thing I have ever written. Thank you for reading damnyouwaltfreakingwhitman.doc.   
> My Tumblr is at [higharollakockamamie.tumblr.com](https://higharollakockamamie.tumblr.com/), so come on over and say hi.


End file.
